Lies of A Loving Heart
by Koharu Mitsuki
Summary: "The one left behind suffers more than the one who leaves," he said. "Natsume, you know I-I lo-" MikanxNatsume.


I started this back in 2007, can you believe it? This is my first "drama" and it was one among my many unfinished works, labeled under "Summer Standstill Fics". I don't really know what made me go back to this story, but I did (after 4 years, imagine that). My problem was I didn't know how to end it, and while I still don't, I think I concluded it decently enough. It ended up more of a vignette than a fic, but I'm okay with that.

If there are some inconsistencies in the story, do drop a review and tell me. I hadn't bothered editing the first half because I already revised it years ago, but you never know.

Well then, I hope you enjoy!

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><p><strong>Lies of A Loving Heart<strong>  
>Koharu Mitsuki<br>(2007)

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><p>He lied to her, purposely led her on and made her believe that everything was fine—that <em>he<em>_'__s_ fine—when he certainly wasn't. He isn't okay and she knew that. She doubted him ever since they were ten. All throughout the seven years of their odd relationship, he assured her that it wasn't what it seemed and, she, the naïve girl, believed him. But then she saw—_she__ saw __it__ with__ her__ own __eyes__—_his lie.

"_He__ lied__ to __me!__"_

She was in denial. She couldn't believe it. She kept saying to herself that it was all a joke but, somewhere in the depths of her mind, she _knew_ what she saw was real and it frightened her.

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><p><em>She stood frozen in front of his opened door. Shock was clearly etched on her face and fear drained the color off her features. <em>

"_No…" She trailed off._

_She blinked her eyes several times, hoping that what she was seeing was just a big illusion. What she's supposed to see was Natsume's clean room! With the big queen-sized bed covered in a blue comforter that she often sat on, the massive bookshelves where his big collection of shounen manga and other various books were placed and arranged, his desk full of schoolwork and whatnot, his flat screen TV, the mini-kitchen with the mini-fridge, the small dining table where his laptop's usually placed, the adjoined bathroom… the room that Special Stars get! Not this, this-_mess_!_

_She took a big shaky breath and closed her eyes._

_When she opened her eyes, the sight that greeted her was awful. It was hard to see in the little space of his opened door, but she was able to see pillows randomly scattered on the carpeted floor—probably thrown by him. A few shounen mangas were also scattered, with open pages and some of it even ripped off. Small white capsules were everywhere; on his desk, on the floor, on the dining table; some were even near her foot. She reached for one and examined it. Her eyes widened. 'Isn't this a medicine capsule?' Looking frantically around, she tried to see where he was. She heard a cough and her body jerked in surprise. She looked into the direction where she heard it, and if possible, her eyes widened even more. There, on the corner of his room near the flat screen TV, was Natsume. His body was hunched up in a semi-fetal position, and his shoulders were rapidly going up and down, obviously having difficulty in breathing. He was visibly shaking. 'What's…going on?' she asked herself, then gasped in realization._

_Natsume had been fooling her all along._

_She was confused. Will she barge in and demand answers? Or, will she let him slide and wait until he tells her? She didn't know. She wanted to follow the former but a quick thought stopped her. What right does she have to cross his health issues? Just because she's his friend doesn't mean she can just demand answers from him. Isn't there a reason for him to keep this from her? She was torn and before she can do anything, she ran, far, far away._

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><p>Mikan closed her eyes tightly, hoping that Natsume's image would go away. However, with all her might, the image was still clear even with her eyes closed. She sighed deeply. A week has passed since she saw him. Although he never said anything, she knew that he knew she was avoiding him. It was hard. She wanted to talk to him and ask him everything that's been bothering her, hoping that his answers can soothe her aching heart but she can't. She just… didn't have the heart to face him. Albeit strong-willed and impulsive, she really can't handle how things were going. She realized that, maybe Natsume just wasn't in her league. They were too different.<p>

She sighed once more.

She stood from the bench she was sitting at, looked up and momentarily froze on the spot.

There, in front of her—their distance barely meters away—, stood the one person who was the subject of her thoughts and her present problem.

"Natsume," His name sounded foreign to her ears.

_Oh__ no._ Mikan's mind raced. What was he doing here? How did he know where I would be? When did he get here? This is a secluded part of the academy! Questions flooded inside her mind, desperately hoping for them to be answered.

She turned to her side, ready to flee. She started making her way slowly, for him not to notice, but Natsume, being the prodigy he is, knew that she was thinking of leaving.

He spoke "Stop."

She did.

Natsume reached her soon enough and placed his hand on top of her shoulder. She stiffened, refusing to look at him. He frowned and made her face him.

"Little girl."

Mikan tensed. Even though they were already seventeen, he still called her by that name. It used to make her smile, but now—she took a deep breath.

"L-let go, Natsume."

He shrugged and kept his hold.

"I said let go."

"I say no."

She bit back the tears. "Let go!"

He remained silent.

"LET ME GO!"

Her body trembled, and the tears fell. Fat, salty tears that she tried so hard to keep cascaded down her cheeks. How could he do this to her? He hasn't even said anything, and she already broke down. Did he really have this much power in him? Has he always had the ability to evoke such emotions in her? Her mind swirled with thoughts.

"Oi, stop that." His voice was soft, but firm. She continued on crying, as if she never heard him.

Seconds passed but it felt like minutes. Both were silent.

Suddenly, Natsume spoke again. "Mikan," Her body jerked, and she felt something inside her snap.

"You! Don't just call me that when you don't mean it! Don't even think of using my name so that I would talk to you! Do you know what your problem is? You're so manipulative! You think everyone would just follow and agree to what you say! Also, you're so impassive! You barely even show any hint of emotion aside from anger, irritation or anything negative! Do you know how hard it is for all of us to assume what you're thinking? Do you know how hard I prayed to see you smile more? Huh? Do you?" She wasn't thinking. She just let the words come out.

"Don't even try to deny it! Kami! Do you know what your biggest problem is? You're so damn secretive _and_ stubborn! Can't you see everyone is worried about you? Do you think we don't notice how sometimes you hurt even though no one says a word? Huh? Everyone cares for you and we're all so worried! Can't you at least share to us your suffering? _That__'__s __what__ friends__ are__ for,__ Natsume!_ _You__'__re__ not__ alone!_ We're here! Ruka, Hotaru, Yuu, Sumire, Koko, Narumi-sensei, and," She exhaled a shaky breath, "Me. _I__'__m_ here for you!

"You know what? I may be naïve, clumsy and not very smart but I'm not blind. Last week, in your room, you were lying in a corner, and you looked like you were in pain. I saw the pills, the medicine, the pillows, the wrinkled sheets, the _mess_. I saw you. I, I didn't know what to do. I, I—" She started sobbing, ending her tirade then and there. She covered her face with her hands, and just _cried_. Natsume stood in front of her now, his bangs shadowing any possible reaction he might have. His lips were drawn in a thin line, as if contemplating about something.

Suddenly, he spoke.

"I told you once, didn't I? _Don__'__t __come__ into __a__ darkness __you __can__'__t __see_.*"

Mikan felt arms circle her torso, and she felt herself being pulled towards Natsume. Her body tensed, her tears temporarily forgotten, but that only made him embrace her tighter. She felt the weight on her shoulder, and turned to see him burying his face in the crook between her neck and shoulder. She blushed but remained silent. Sighing, she gave up and relaxed, accepting the comfort Natsume was willing to offer. She gripped his shirt and leaned on his chest. It was an awkward hug, for there was a considerable height difference between them; nevertheless, they stayed in each other's arms.

He raised this head and rested his chin on her shoulder, "I told you: I'm different from the rest of you.* That's why I didn't want anyone getting too close. I didn't want them to see," A pause. "I didn't want _you_ to see."

A hiccup. "Why?"

It was a while before Natsume answered, "Something is chasing me, Mikan. To run away from it is inevitable." His cryptic message did not make sense to her at all, but her chest felt tight nonetheless.

"Do you know that there are only two things in this world that don't change?" He asked. Mikan shook her head, not knowing where this was leading.

"Death and change are the only constants in this world."

Suddenly, it all made sense. Mikan shot a look of pain and disbelief at Natsume, who looked at her with an equal expression of pain.

"Are you insinuating… that you are dying?" She couldn't believe it even as she spoke it out loud.

If possible, Natsume's expression looked more pained. Mikan felt her knees wobble. "No…" she whispered.

Natsume was going to die? When did it start? How much time does he have left? Mikan shivered, not from the weather. The tears fell harder this time, and she couldn't help but sob. Natsume held her tighter, but that only made her sobs louder. No further words were exchanged; they simply clung onto each other—one trying to stop time, the other wishing that this is all just a dream.

But they both knew this was reality.

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><p>"You never told me why you kept it from us," she said.<p>

It was some time after that they rested under a gingko tree, sitting beside each other. Mikan rested her head on Natsume's shoulder, his head on top of hers.

He remained silent.

"You're being unfair," Mikan whispered.

"The one left behind suffers more than the one who leaves."

Mikan digested his words. "Natsume, you know I-I-lo—"

"I know." Natsume held her hand. _Me __too._

"I… I can live without you."

"I know that too."

"But I don't want to."

"I'm leaving." _Permanently. __Soon._ Natsume didn't want Mikan to pine for him after his death, even though he _did_ know she can live without him. Why bother starting a relationship when you know it's going to end anyway? That would only magnify the pain she would feel when he leaves.

"But Natsume, everyone dies. You said it yourself: death is constant. Knowing you will pass away doesn't change the fact that I will too. If that's the case, then shouldn't we live happily? To enjoy each day as if it was the last and all that?" He was shocked at her insight. He turned to face Mikan with widened eyes. Mikan offered a small smile.

He squeezes her hand and smiles back.

"I won't let you go until I die," he says seriously.

Mikan caught the irony in his statement but smiled brighter nonetheless.

"We can make it."

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><p>End?<br>(2011)

***** '_Don__'__t __come __into__ a __darkness __you__ can__'__t __see__' _and '_I__'__m__ different __from__ the__ rest__ of__ you__'_ were taken from episode 20 of the anime.

Just a parting note: I believe that love is a conscious choice. It is when two people who can live on their own choose not to.


End file.
